Sunday, January 31, 2010

How bad. Do you want it?

I was thinking.  Ya ya, it happens sometimes, I think.

The last few weeks I have been feeling a lot of pressure and anxiety over what to do next.  My job at the AGO is great when busy but at this moment it has been quiet and my hours have been cut and a girl needs to make a living.  My job in the Distillery is a circus.  It's a lot of fun.  Busy right now for Winterlicious.  It's crazy.  I work with animals.  I love some animals and others I am simply allergic to.  It's fun in it's own way but essentially, they are throwing me in the ring and I am just not a seasoned performer.  Not yet.  But I can make the crowd laugh, it's the inner clown in me.

I have been keeping my eyes open.  Letting the people I know in the industry know that I am looking.  I have had some leads to possible job openings that look quite exciting to me.  I don't just want to be good.  I want to be great!  The problem is, there are sacrifices to be made.  Should I wish to learn how to make the bestest breads ever I need to start work at 4 am, some places 1 am.  Are you joking?  Apparently not.  How bad do I want it you ask?  How bad does anyone want anything?


What a fucking question that is?  I want it bad, real bad baby!  But bad enough to sacrifice sleep, a social life, health, a future family, sanity, natural light? What? How fucking bad do I want it?  Oh shut up!

I feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I can't honestly say that I want it so bad that I would sacrifice my first born so that I can have it.  I'll tell you something.  I have never in my life been so happy in a discipline as I am now.  Previous aspirations were to be an astronaut, biologist, leisurologist, to work in HR.  I have done my time in retail, HR and in office administration.  All things that I thought I wanted.  All jobs that I am glad I did but didn't have a passion for in the end.  I know I say this all the time but I do love what I do now, in this career move that somehow fell from the sky into my lap.  I never wanted to work in the food and beverage industry.  It was never a dream of mine.  However, I can truly say now that I cannot picture doing anything else in my life.

Speaking with one of my biggest fans last night I was reminded that if I were to do it, now is the time.  Now when I don't have that first born to sacrifice.  Sleep, natural light, friends...they will all be there in the end.  Sanity...there's always someone crazier than you.  A future family. That's just it, it's the future.  And a social life...well.  Let's not talk about that.

I'll keep you posted.

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